Pep Talk: "Defining Our Dashes"

We all have had a birth date. We all will have a death date. The question becomes, what happens in between? It’s called defining our dash.

For example, my late father was born in 1931, passed from lung cancer in 2007. For Marvin Walter McIntosh, Jr. it’s 1931-2007. His dash was characterized by an ability to bounce back from adversity and a wonderful personality. People were attracted to my old man.

Thoughts of defining our dash rumbled through my brain as tears rolled down my cheeks recently during a memorial service for Ann Abernethy. An incredibly vibrant and beautiful mother of two succumbed to brain cancer at the tender age of 54.

I was among the mourners jammed into Good Shepherd Catholic Church on Denver’s near-east side. We were saying goodbye to a woman born in 1958, in Casper, Wyoming. Her timeline reads 1958-2013. Her dash was impressive and too short.

When thinking of words to define Abernethy’s dash, many come to mind. Among them, the following: creative, ambitious, caring, funny and optimistic. Upon graduation from high school, the animal lover attended Regis University in Denver, graduating Magna Cum Laude. She was damn good at marketing. 

Abernethy spent 22 years at the Denver Post as Director of Research and Marketing. She also worked at Email Vision as Director of Client Services. When not working, or gardening, Abernethy’s passion was her kids, sons Ian and Devin. Especially the boys’ parochial-school educational experience at Good Shepherd. 

A brief description from the memorial program describes her beautifully: “Ann lived life to the fullest through people, travel, music and good wine. Her sense of adventure and fun-loving spirit touched so many lives. Ann was actively involved in many charitable organizations, including Good Shepherd Catholic School, the Alzheimer’s Association and the Women’s Bean Project, just to name a few. Ann had a passion for animals, gardening and her wonderful friends. She was an amazing mother and her boys were her world.”

A sense of adventure and fun-loving spirit. Two wonderful traits that certainly defined Ann Abernethy’s dash. She touched my life, that’s for sure. Despite the trials and tribulations life brought her way, divorce and illness major ones, Abernethy’s spirit refused to be dampened.

A visit with her in the final days confirmed that. I had been asked to offer a prayer for her at a school function, a celebrity basketball game. I inquired, “What would you like me to share with those gathered?” Bedridden with her body shutting down from the brain cancer, Abernethy managed to muster her incredible smile and joked, “That I get up from here and show up for the game.”

As the service and tears continued, my mind wandered to another dear friend who recently departed: Valerie Vinestock. This dynamic spirit had numbers of 1935-2013. Cancer also won with her. Val was my gym buddy.

We worked out at the same time each morning at Kinetics Fitness Studio, just a few blocks south of the church where a community grieved the loss of Ann. The Kinetics family had gone through a similar experience just a few weeks earlier. At her service, everyone was encouraged to keep Val’s spirit alive with this offer: “To celebrate Val’s life, love and positive force she brought into this world, take a friend to lunch and give them a big hug.”

Val was a rowing and hugging fanatic. I perspire a lot when working out. Most at the gym joke, “My goodness McIntosh, it looks like you just took a shower.” Most take a wide path around me, not Val. She would always, despite this aging jock’s “wringing wet from sweat” condition, respond with a big hug. We’d joke together that her acceptance of me was “unconditional.” 

Love, positive attitude and unconditional acceptance of others. Three great traits that certainly defined Val Vinestock’s dash.

The priests leading the Abernethy service were wrapping things up when my mind wandered to a third fantastic woman who passed recently. Lyndi McCartney. Her numbers were 1943-2013. Her dash, described in a recent Pep Talk, was filled with incredible empathy and passion for others, including complete strangers. The devoted wife, mother and grandma had a great gift of sensing despair and offering hope to counter it.

Three amazing human beings lost. Their dashes defined by all things good.

Our dashes are not complete. There is no certainty to the end date. All we truly control is the here and now. Yesterday is history, tomorrow’s but a mystery. Today is a gift, that’s why it’s call the present.

This week, let’s take advantage of the present. Let’s take cues from Ann, Val and Lyndi. Let’s allow the great qualities defining their dashes, to define ours. We will be better for the effort.