Pep Talk: "For Sanity's Sake"

It’s profoundly humbling and liberating, simultaneously, to realize a sobering truth: We are powerless to change others.

That powerful reality bathed my entire soul recently while attending a meeting where men and women gather to encourage one another to understand that loved ones’ addictions are just that: A loved one’s addiction.

The addiction might be drugs, alcohol, work, sex, money, or a plethora of other things. I’m addicted to sweat. Each morning at the best gym in America, Kinetic Fitness Studio, I try to induce one through a variety of means.  “A sweat a day keeps the doctor away” is one of my favorite mantras.

Back to the story. While about a dozen folks shared their thoughts about understanding, accepting and adapting to another’s addiction, another stark reality emerged. Our brains can be tricky. For sanity’s sake, we have to win that battle.

There are many of us who have a strong desire to help others. That can be a very good, or very bad, habit. Often there’s a fine line between enabling and encouraging. Sticking our nose in somebody’s business might be an equally accurate description. Walking that tight rope is certainly adventurous and fraught with peril.

Another group member was being quite vulnerable in sharing thoughts about the frustrations that often surface when dealing with how WE react to challenging situations in life.

Those situations might revolve around adversity at home, work or elsewhere. While the venues change, the onus returns to us and how we react. It’s something discussed during each and every live Pep Talk I’m blessed to present. It’s a simple but not easy question to ponder: Are we going to be victims of the circumstances of life, or students of the experiences? Whether at the Denver Rescue Mission, a corporate headquarters, a stinky locker room, non-profit board room or somewhere else, audiences are always encouraged to choose the latter option.

Another way of looking at this predicament bored into my brain while listening to the group discussion: When the unexpected and unwanted stuff of life comes knocking at our door, do we emotionally and psychologically shift into a blame or solutions mode?

The vulnerable and courageous attendee was admitting that it’s usually the former for him. What about us? When things are not going the way WE desire, wherever we roam,  do we begin to beat ourselves up for not being capable of fixing the problem? Or do we shift into a more healthy and productive philosophy that focuses on solutions to prevail against what ails?

In the case of a loved one with an addiction, the solution would be to realize we can offer love and encouragement for sobriety, but that ultimately, we are powerless to change the outcome.

These thoughts take me to the men of Denver Rescue Mission. Each Thursday morning we gather and talk about achieving goals and overcoming challenges. We acknowledge we’re just a bunch of jacked up dudes trying to become superior to our former selves. Addiction is rampant in this group. I offer, “If we’re gonna be addicted to anything, how about being addicted to faith?” Some laugh, some ponder and some nod their heads in agreement.

It makes me also think of the personal journey of two divorces and a strong desire to “fix” the situation. Of course it didn’t work. It was tough to avoid falling into the self pity trap and the emotional battering we inflict upon ourselves when self esteem plummets. It becomes a personal independence day when we realize we are powerless to change another’s thoughts and actions.

As the man continued his heartfelt admission to berating himself for the actions of another, a startling realization overwhelmed me: These meetings are really about the attendees and our emotional issues concerning a loved one’s personal battle with addiction.

At the end of the hour-long meeting the group stood, held hands and recited the following: “Lord give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Amen to that.

This week let’s win the battle with our tricky brains. Focus on encouraging, not changing. For sanity’s sake.