The email read, “It’s nice to know that things can come out all right in the end.”
My heart ached while reading it. It came from a guy in the middle of an incredible personal storm. A long and troubled marriage unraveling. Several young, wonderful and growing children to be effected from the fallout. Fear of the unknown. Can an incredibly patient and forgiving man accept that a treasured union is littered with land mines and too dangerous to traverse? Letting go. Easier said than done.
We spent time together recently. It was quite apparent that love for family and the welfare of children were top priorities. Those admirable traits can be a double-edged sword. It was one of the typical, “Trying to keep it together for the kids’ sake.” The man has endured for so long. He was seeking assurance the future held promise.
I tried my best to encourage him, based upon experiences with divorce, to believe that yes, despite the current pain and uncertainty, there is hope to prevail against what ails.
The conversation stirred up memories. Starting with my parents’ marriage. It was a classic “staying together for the kids” toward its end. As a high-school senior, I was relieved when they finally decided to part. Bless my parents for trying but the tension inside the home was palpable. You could see the unhappiness etched in their faces, oozing from their tone of voice and emanating from their avoidance of one another.
We’ve all been in these types of situations before. The present is not pretty. It might be from the breakdown of a marriage, the loss of a job, the presence of an illness or whatever. These trials arrive like an uninvited house guest. We see the future but few possibilities of relief. We want assurances that “everything will be all right in the end.”
There are no guarantees of course. Things might not get better. The timeframe we have for things to get better is unpredictable. LIfe rarely goes as planned.
A buddy’s smack dab in the middle of crazy time. If he were a contestant on the game show “Let’s Make a Deal” he wouldn’t pick what’s behind any of the three doors. The game plan for marriage and family, blown to pieces.
This roller coaster we call life sends us on unexpected twists and turns doesn’t it? Usually when we can least afford it mentally, physically and financially. What’s the key to somehow, someway, mustering the courage and strength to pick ourselves up, wipe the dust from our clothes and march forward with hope for a better tomorrow?
I think it starts with understanding we’re not alone. This good buddy knew I had traveled a similar path of divorce with children involved. He was seeking comfort from another who has journeyed down that rocky road.
There are truly few experiences that are unique. It sure feels that way when we’re in the middle of the muck, but rarely are we alone in suffering. I think it’s important to realize this and to try and connect with like-minded people. We can draw strength for the task required. Regardless of the origin, strategies for bouncing back from adversity are the same starting with three critical steps: a determination to learn from, not become a victim of, the experience; understanding we’re not alone and mustering the energy to connect with others of like-mind.
Once we connect with others of shared experiences it’s also important to encourage one another and not let the gatherings turn into complaining sessions. Nobody will benefit. Instead of complaining, let’s try and give hope and confidence to one another that, with a lot of courage and wonderment as our guide, there’s a plan for us. Light at the end of the tunnel that’s not an oncoming train. Yep. There is a plan to prosper and not harm us, to give us hope and a future. We gotta believe!
Real easy to talk and write about. Far more difficult to execute when the poop hits the fan. I get it. Been there. You have too. What advice would you offer to those in distress? Please share. Many can learn from them.
As we parted ways, I shared one final thought. A wise psychologist once said to me and a former bride when it became apparent that our union was over: “If you’re going to get divorced, make it a good divorce.”
This week, if your world seems wrecked, scour the rubble and find what’s salvageable. Five steps: Dig for forgiveness. Search for acceptance. Believe in hope. Grieve for what has been lost but rebuild. Dare to dream again.
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